candles

There's this uneasy feeling in me. Scrolling down the pages of tumblr reblogging, reblogging and reblogging. I feel totally lifeless, like someone sucked out the life in me. I've been hearing my parents talk and I'll just shut u[ like I always do. I know whats going on, I know we're having a very hard time, I know everything. But you know what, I can't do anything. Because I'm that useless and incompetent. I can't even study. I don't say anything, thats just me. I don't even know how to describe this feeling. I'm so tired of always being dependent on myself. What does it feel like for my parents to pay for my phone bills or school food or merely just lunch? They tell me to save, I do but I keep paying for everything and in the end, I'm left with so little. For once, just for once I want to know what it feels like to not worry every single fucking day if I can afford food on the table. Its so frustrating cuz I can't blame anyone but myself.

FIS OCIP Siem Reap, Cabodia 2012 part 2:)

OCIP, FIS Siem Reap, Cambodia 2012 part 2 :)

OCIP 2012 was an amazing trip. It really taught me so much, beyond just powerpoints, textbooks and what not. I was extremely apprehensive about heading to siem reap for OCIP but now that it has ended, I really wish to rewind time to a week ago. Meeting the kids and experiencing the life in cambodia has made me a more contented person :) I was honestly, genuinely happy while my time there. I love the smile of the kids :) Thier smile brightens up my day and it made me realise that my presence there means so much to them. For once I felt needed and wanted by these little kids that I  knew over a span of 3 days. The 3 days spent with them made me really happy, it made me come to my senses that even if the whole world is against me, these children will still smile at my existence.

And all I want is for my little babies to grow up well with a good education. That they won't have to worry aboiut tomorrow but instead live every single day to its fullest knowing that there'll be a tomorrow :) Siem Reap is such a beautiful country. It brought me back to the 1980s of Singapore. I adore its simplicity and how easy-going life is there. Without civilisation for a week is liberating and I felt so at ease though we got scolded almost veryday, so much memories have been made :) Our toilet door which can't close properly making shitting such an awkward action, eating dinner with the halal, vegetarian and chinese, being late for devotion, having retarded conversations in the bus, teaching the kids, attempting to wake my roomie up, eating packed food etc etc etc. I'll never forget this wonderful experience, its truly, beyond amazing :')

OCIP, FIS Siem Reap, Cambodia 2012 :)

Part 1 of OCIP, FIS Siem Reap, Cambodia 2012 :)

sand between my toes and the wind against my hair

yay for nerf guns ^^

bringing my baby along with me :)

the really horrid and confusing list, or maybe its just me

off for cambodiaaaaa

halfway while packing my luggage for cambodia, i got too distracted by the webcam... hehe

I'm so scared in all honesty. I have no idea what to expect when i'm there and i really hope i packed everything in. I always have this sinking feeling whenever i'm flying off. sigh, its a good and bad thing. away from civilisation, pretence, superficiality and how everyone seems so materialistic in the present generation. I really do hope this serves as a getaway from society for awhile and the village might be the rural yet beautiful place for me to clear my mind.

Flight's at 235pm tomorrow, before i forget, #ootd for sleeping tonight is my diy vita dolce moderato shirt, its rather improportionate but thats one of my few fortes :) see you guys in a weeks time, i'm so nervous :(

I really would love to have a revelation there :)

hide me please

#ootd

I was bored and decided to play with the webcam hehe and my old ukelele. sigh, i really believe in the fact that i have no musical inclination at all.

--

Have you lost your way?
Livin' in the shadow of the messes that you made
And so it goes
Everything inside your circle starts to overflow

Take a step before you leap
Into the colors that you seek
You give back what you give away
So don't look back on yesterday

Wanna scream out, no more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Gonna tell ya you'll be alright
In the aftermath

Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you're not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the aftermath

You feel the weight
Of lies and contradictions that you live with every day
It's not too late
Think of what could be if you rewrite the role you play

Take a step before you leap
Into the colors that you seek
You give back what you give away
So don't look back on yesterday

Wanna scream out, no more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Gonna tell ya you'll be alright
In the aftermath

Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you're not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the aftermath
In the aftermath

Before you break you have to change your own mind
Take a trip and fall into the pit
Tell a stranger that their view is full

So all you feel is love, love
All you feel is love, love

Wanna scream out, no more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Wanna tell you you'll be alright
In the aftermath

Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Gonna tell ya you'll be alright
In the Aftermath

Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you're not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the aftermath

In the aftermath
(Gonna tell ya you'll be alright)
In the aftermath
In the aftermath
Just remember you are not alone
In the aftermath

--

I'm probably just a piece of useless waste. I'm horrible at conversing with my parents. I keep everything inside. Maybe I don't show it, i don't know how to show that i wanna do well. I dont want to fail any subjects. I expected to fail and stuff but i loathe the fact that you guys think i'm contented with being the last in class, supposedly having a fucked up attitude etc etc etc. you barely know me and you churn out such eradical notions and ideas which aren't even true. you judge me base on numericals and figures and yes, maybe i get distracted and inattentive in class but I yearn so much to do well. I might not show it but i really wanna do well. so stop telling me your opinions that are haunting me. just keep them to yourself, how much more do you wanna make me feel demoralized? 

when all things fail

Whats in my sketch book for the first half of the year! Its filled with scribbling, rough outlines, messy drawings, AND MANY OUT-OF-PROPORTION SKETCHES :( its a bunch of messy and untidy pencil, pen and charcoal lines, shades and what not. But since its the first term, i'll cut some slack and start improving now :) 

I would love to conclude that today is the last day of term 2 and holidays are starting but I can't say so :( My holidays are packed with dance practices and musical rehearsals :( and its june, my very special month^^ but i'll be so preoccupied with all the school events. Adding on to that, i still have that pathetic excuse of studying for exams and therefore, i'm unable to enjoy myself and i'm coerced to withdraw from the true value of holidays.

Lately, i've been feeling demoralized. Just one of those days when you wanna snug up to bed under your covers reading your favourite book and having a sip of caramel macchiato just to emancipate yourself from the shit happening in this world. BUT NO you wake up every morning and come to realize that nothing has changed but everything is constantly changing. how ironic. 

waking up at 7 tomorrow when everyone else wakes up when their minds tell them to :( sighhhhhh

shagged

Hi I'm Perry the platypus and I waddle :>

I have been fantasizing too much about fairytales and cartoons. I am immersed in their magical kingdom where lies and deceit never came true. 

Anyway, I think I've got tons of work to do. Note the use of 'I think'. I don't even know what's there to do, sigh I feel so disorganized. I don;t feel like blogging today, and I doubt anyone is reading this. 

1. Sew my shirt

2. Arrange my chemisfreakingtry file which is hibernating in school

3. Probably study and complete some work.

I give up, I hate school. 

dash dash dash

My dear sister's lab coat heehee :)

Conversation with my dad this morning at macs:

Me: *eats food and texts*

Dad: *reads newspaper*

after 30 minutes

Dad: you done?

Me: yup

Dad: let's go

-

I don't have a rather comprehensive relationship with my dad, I don't tell him much other then school related stuff. Its so awkward I felt like I was eating alone with a presence of a random human being opposite me. Anyway, I woke up early today to sent le sister to school! :) I can't wait to graduate from this nunnery, its beyond nauseating, deafening. She had lab lesson today and I tried on her lab coat hehe. Its too big for me though and her goggles are too cute on her^^ 

Back to the place everyone dreads tomorrow. I keep telling myself to study but I obviously fail to do so :( Oh and yes, I've been having difficulty breathing these past few nights. Last night was a holocaust. My hands were cold, I felt giddy and I honestly thought I was on the verge of fainting. I couldn't even eat or talk properly. Yes, it scared me. I have no clue whats happening :( maybe I should google it, yes/no? i don't know. 

I need some theraphy

My dear friend did this for me today ^o^ heehee thanks sheryl^^

1. My hair looks really brown there.

2. I might have just gone through odd repercussions today.

3.Everyone should head down to the nearest KFC and order the double down, one serving aint enough, its that good.

I am finally alive, I was in the middle of sorting out my life and I still currently am. I have an english and math test tomorrow and my lazy arse doesn't seem to fathom that so I'm here spewing my daily verbal vomit. So I failed 4 subjects, bummer :( all a miserable F9, C5 for english how disappointing and I'm even the lowest in class T_T Only 1 B, which is for my lit and i'll surrender the rest. SUCH GREAT SCORES. I'm constantly being interrogated by teachers it almost seems like a daily routine. 

I get interrogated for 

1. Grades

2. My hair

3. My behavior in class esp for math 

4. My phone 

Yup, I do not enjoy heading back to that undesirable building every single week day. Its..... torturous.