thoughts like sand on the ground

So my scores are beyond horrifying. They sting my eyes. I am the lowest in class for chem, eng, probably emath and more for the next few subjects to come. Failing has been something I got used to and its numbing me. But other than the ASDFGHJKL feeling of failing, I feel so fucking helpless and useless. I don't usually pour my soul to this space but its time I empty my bin of thoughts on this space since it is my own personal space.

I can't comprehend this exhausting feeling. So lets talk about school first yeah? What I've learnt from receiving bullshit-like results? Better will never be good enough. Even if I'm gonna try harder, I'll never reach anything. I've got to push myself no matter how I feel. Because I miss that feeling- that feeling of seeing an A on my report book, that feeling of getting praised and acknowledged for my hard work. I miss all that. I'm left with this sinking feeling and its sucks so fucking bad.

Next, my existence seems so unappreciated. I don't even know why I exist. What am I doing wasting my life away on this Earth, I don't even contribute or bring any justice to the human race. If I can't be a pillar for anyone, then why... Why am I living? Why then do I try my best to help the people around me smile when I can't even bring myself to? I don't even know who I am anymore.

I feel like a senseless object, just a piece of waste material roaming through the winds of the Earth. Not needed by anyone, not worth anyone's precious time.

i might believe you

bye guys, heading to narnia now

caught in a battlefield

I NEED A CAMERA. My dear friend brought her dslr to school today and i was madly enthralled by it. It was so pretty and I enjoyed every moment taking pictures with it. Sigh, I seem so deprived of a camera explaining how contented I felt by just holding that dslr. So I decided to come up with a plan, yay yay yay^^ If I save 5 bucks each day from my daily allowance, I will be able to get this canon 600D in a year's time! :) It seems so long though :( and I'm depriving myself from splurging on food :( I am debilitated, maybe that's an understatement. Well, all I wanna do now is drop dead and crawl to my bed. My legs feel like jelly and it seems like my muscles are having a party and I'm not invited, as always.

My tiredness is all thanks to... napfa. I'm glad its over, I didn't train at all and in all honesty I thought I would get a silver or bronze since I only started p.e a few days ago due to my ankle :( But I was surprise by my results so yay for me! :)

There's school again tomorrow sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh. And I'm not doing any homework, well done to me. My mind automatically shuts down as soon as common tests are over and there ain't any sense of urgency in me :( oh well, I failed almost everything, sigh sigh sigh :( I'm so nervous for my results cuz I've got so much negative responses sigh, I keep sighing. Oh goodness me, growing old already aye?

distant eyes

Have I ever commented on how much i love woolen apparels? Well, I love them to bits. I am addicted to stroking the material heehee, i sound alil' insane right now but oh well :) Elearning today, i guess its a good thing, isn't it? Didn't do much anyways, woke up at 1030 and started at about 11? Typed in the mcq answers for math and finished up the survey and bid farewell to it. HAd lunch with ash at nex and oh my goodness, its flooded with everyone creature from the nunnery. Its actually no surprise since its a free day for us.

I had to get out of this household after elearning was over. I'm constantly being nagged at when my parents are around. I see how devoted and caring they are towards my older sister, but to me? I don't get much love and affection from them. It feels like I'm just their maid or helper. I'd rather be locked up in my room painting or drawing instead of coercing myself to watch tv with them. Besides, I eat dinner by myself these few days, they don't usually talk to me or ask me how's school and such. But they immediately do when my sis heads home.

Sigh, i feel so trapped in this domicile, like a puppet being controlled. I can't complain much, they're still my parents though I feel extremely dejected and neglected by them. So much for being a good girl.

A thousand eyes

A thousand eyes staring at me,
A thousand eyes glaring at me.
I shiver, I shake,
The intimidation I could not take.


To the secret solitude there I go,
To a place that only I know,
To a place where my thoughts overwhelm me,
To a place only I can see.


I pray, I think, I wish,
I begin to have little wars in my mind,
I feel small, tiny and minute,
What an evident sign.



A thousand eyes staring at me,
A thousand eyes glaring at me.
A thousand eyes I could not fight,
Even if I tried with all my might

all the pretty people

Common tests are over *dances around* though i still have malay on monday, i'd still declare it as a holiday. It was a dreary and demoralizing week and i'm glad its over. I wouldn't rewind the week though i know i could've done better, its the first term and i'm not used to juggling 9 subjects. I guess i'll just adapt to this mundane lifestyle soon enough.

I'm so drained and my tiredness is consuming me, eating up my insides. All i wanna do is drop dead onto the floor and sprawl around till i eventually reach my bed. I've been sleeping at 2-3 lately and i've been deprived of my normal 6 hour sleep :(

Anyway, i was talking to one of my classmates today. It was pretty unusual since i don't really talk to her often but wtv, i'm not gonna state names but if shes reading this then hi :) It was amusing talking to her, it was like she could read my mind and all my insecurities bottled up in me, it seemed like she knew them all. All the things i shy away from and all the shit i don't really express well, it seemed like she could foresee all of them and pin pointing all my weaknesses. I am so afraid of people judging me, its probably one of my biggest flaws and she could actually spot it really quickly.

It was a pleasure talking to her and i'm contented about it :) This space has been barren for too long and i've decided to...... make a few changes hehehe, i'm not sure what the changes will be or how fast or gradual its gonna be but i'm just planning on experimenting :) Do you guys like the photo above? HAHA i'm thinking of changing it too, should i?

i'd roll up into a small ball and hide away from civilisation

I prefer this.

I am not fully satisfied with either of these sketches since they are really sketchy :( I'm currently learning how to draw hair, i guess i'm improving alittle (not trying to be egoistic hehe) but i still gotta work on more.

Common tests have started and I'm done with geog, ss, math (THANK GOD, I LOATHE MATH) and english. I screwed up all of them :( Especially geog and math, so very disappointed in myself. I coerced myself to read through all the chapters of geog but when i flipped open the paper, my mind totally blanked out for a moment and i began spewing gibberish information my mind could generate. It was not good, at all. Math was a holocaust.  Period.

So its the long weekends (yay yay yay^^) but i've got to finish my 5 boards for art and start doing up my layouts plus i've got lit on monday and the other heavy and dry subjects on the next few following days. I'll be really busy T_T oh well, wish me luck! :)