evident atmosphere

I wish I had a flair for writing, I wish I could be a child prodigy, I wish I was good at something, I just wish I wasn't as hopeless and helpless than I am now. I wake up every morning in attempt to start positively knowing that i'll gain some knowledge today without feeling like some smart-ass wannabe trying to find some space for me to match up with their intelligent minds. I hate how even though I try my utmost best to listen and stay focus in class, i'll still be lagging behind. I hate how eveyone says they didn't study and blah blah blah and oh look, an A1 it is. Well, these kind of acts irk me and I just can't stand it anymore.

As you can probably tell, I'm hating intensive now. It has just reached to a point where my environment affects the way i study and revise and I do not appreciate my current environment. Its filled with clones, clones and more fucking clones. Despicable.

perfect two

                                                                   

 

I love you

silent euphoria

The long-awaited holidays have finally arrived but i'm coerced to head back to school for the next 8 days for the grueling intensive :( Technically, vacation only begins on the 15th of november for me after all the events occuring in school.

Since 2012 is coming to an end and the school academic year has already ended. I'll begin to pen down my thoughts regarding 2012 and yes, I prefer the long traditional verbal diarrhea. 2012 has been a dexterous year, this year was honestly so pack I didn't realize how fast it actually went by. Academically, it was tough. I never had one-to-one talks with teachers almost every weekday after the tests ended. Neither was I strained and forced into such a rigid and confined environment, where we were treated like clones, expected to produce astounding results. I was shocked by thos routine and yes, I couldn't and still can't handle it. So I struggled. Though I tried and tried and tried...... my results remained stagnent. Failing 4 was considered a routine for me and when I failed english.. I knew I was at risk.

It was a painful journey in secondary 3 and I would never want to repeat this holocaust. But yet, there were still other events that gave me hope to allow me to press on through the year. Ocip and the musical were the highlights of this year and I could not ask for more than the experience itself :) Participation in sports day and other dance performances were significant too :)

In all honesty, I think i've matured the most in secondary three as compared to my other years. I feel myself growing, and its quite odd actually and there still certain things i'd love to explore and improve on :)

my mind thinks otherwise but my heart says no

"I wonder if  you care, i wonder if you actually notice. Its exhausting, bawling every night, waking up with a smile on your face. I wonder if you do actually realize that your actions are hurting me. I wonder what you're thinking. Is the feeling reciprocated the same way? Why do i feel its not. I wonder."

guns and roses

 notice my trash bin right beside my table

 what a mess

 my three little babies

 Wednesday's #ootd #wiwt

 wednesday's haul

 water colour + red gouache

 depression and shame

burned the midnight oil for art

First and foremost, I'd like to apologise for my lengthy hiatus form this space. I was too emmersed in my abysmal routine of school and home. This basically sums up my entire first half of October. It started off agonizingly, I was down with a flu, fever and all that jazz. I was coerced to miss 2 days of the dreaded eoys. I could barely make my way around the house and i had intermitent occurences of purging. It was horrid and i'm glad its over. Mixed feelings about missing afew papers... since i have a high risk of retaining and receiving back my results tomorrow is just a slow, grueling death period.

Wish me luck! I'd probably start with my jitters even before morning assembly begins..

loneliness

When you're cold and lonely.
When the one person you need doesn't reply to any of your texts,
Or answer any calls.
Empty.
Thats what fills you.
Anger, frustration, despair
Gone.
Where are you when I need you right now.
No, I have to pull through.
I have to.

sick

sick.

oh yipee, how exciting to be sick during the most crucial period of the year. I can barely walk and instead of getting better, my condition is detoriating. Missed amath and malay paper 1 today and i'll probably miss geog and math paper 1 tomorrow, note the word probably. SIGH. Screwed my ss up and now I can't even use my geog to save my dying combined humanities. And my sciences aren't even that good. SIGH.

So, my head's throbbing and I literally can feel heat emanating from my body. My eyes are half open and my entire body is shutting down. I'm attmepting to coerce myself to study but nothing is going in.

I don't intend to retain though i'm at a risk, but its really hard to study and carry on espacially when you're just so so extremely sick, I can feel my insides drifting away.