wary

I thought I was on the right track, I thought I made a change in my daily life but evidently, I did not. Many of times I reiterate'why?' to myself in hopes that my mind could concoct some type of a radical answer for me to justify the fact that somewhere somehow something went absolutely wrong but through the many hours harping on the same notion, all I could come up with was an 'i don't know' which irked me to ends wits. I didn't see the point of trying anymore because I did try but it definitely did not come across the way I expected it to. I cried, I definitely did but somehow, I managed to pick myself up. And I must say, I'm proud at the way I geared myself to look at things in a positive manner but of course deep within me there is a prominent sense of fear, envy and shame. Will I be able to get into the course I want? Why is everyone else doing better than me even when I tried my best? How am I suppose to face the educators, my peers and my classmates who are doing perfectly fine when i'm just... stranded? 

Currently, what i'm most afraid of is if I will ever see an A in the next few coming months. How will I be able to achieve my goal of a single digit for my L1R4.. Am I even capable of such heights? But i'm trying, i'm trying to turn the negative energy to a positive one. I'm trying and though I may not be the best example, we should all just try cause at the end of the day, at least I know I tried.