Six--teen

This was probably one of the best birthday's thus far. I wanna thank everyone who wished me, who bought me something, who encouraged me (because this few weeks have been a tough feat to accomplish) I don't know what I'll do without you guys. Those who encouraged me, who tell me not to give up, thank you so so much. It really meant so much to me and thank you is truly an understatement as to how grateful I am for such amazing people like you guys. As for today, I am genuinely contented w the amazing people I have in my life and thank you all for wishing me :) I hope this verbal diarrhoea would not bore you to bits, so let the pictures do the talking xx 

Èn trapped

I feel a little small talking about this today but I shall because its currently the biggest obstacle in my life. I feel so suffocated. En trapped in this maze where every direction i turn to is a dead end. Where every direction I turn to I lose myself even more. I hate being surrounded by people of a different calibre then me(maybe that's why I can relate to roll of thunder easily). Many of time I try to reach their standards but with that many of times I tried, I failed. 

I feel like I'm trapped in my own self induced coma where I can't find a way to stop all the chaos from occurring. I want to stop it. I want to put a halt to everything that's happening. I want to stop with O levels. I want the people around me to stop being such fked up bitches and start opening your eyes that people are struggling to just come to ends meet. Stop reiterating the fact that I can't do some stuff and stop looking down on the things I do. Stop judging me for being this stupid, stop reminding me I'm taking my o levels in 4 months time and I have nothing, absolutely nothing to offer. Stop telling me that I don't belong cause its pretty much obvious. Stop just please stop. Someone please save me from this torment of seeing everyone around me of a calibre way higher than mine. Please just get me out of this pressure cooker. I don't like all 39 of you put together, I don't like the fact I'm existing within the 39 of you. Aku menghina setiap orang disitu. 

My insides are physically torn confirming to the crazy schedule. Motivation is simply of no use now to be honest.. I know the sense of achievement after would overpower this awful feeling I have now but it's just too overwhelming. I don't do situations like this well. I sometimes (all the time) wish I could adopt some kind of unfeeling power so I won't be able to feel the pressure and everything else and I would just study all the fking time. I honestly don't mind. I just want to cease everything. I'm having such a hard time with Romeo and Juliet. Don't get me wrong, i love the whole story and the play but I can't seem to connect and feel for the book unlike roll of thunder which came to me so naturally. It's so bloody frustrating because that was apparently my one and only niche area which I failed to live up to.  HOW TELL ME HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO DO THIS. 

I'm hysterical. I'm flustered. I'm lost. I'm drowning. Drowning, drowned. 

"It is too rash, too unadvised; too sudden"

revelation part deux

I have not been a purveyor of healthy living, in that sense where I don't eat my meals regularly, sleep regularly, exercise, drink lots of water etc etc etc. Firstly, I detest drinking water. In a week I probably drink a maximum of 5-6 cups of water and i'm not even kidding. I can honestly go without water and rely on bottled/can drinks, and i won't even realise that my body has not even consumed an equitable amount of water to keep my system going. 

I don't eat my meals regularly too. I don't like the idea of having to consume 4 meals per day and maybe i don't realise on how much i've been cutting back but the worst part is, I dont even consume fluids which are essential for survival- and i'm sure we all know what i'm talking about here, yes it is water. 

I kept thinking as to why people around me could keep going although they are as equally stressed as me, equally loaded with work (with the exception of art), why they didn't fall ill easily, how they could continue burning the midnight oil without having all sorts of weird illnesses like me. And then I realised they drink LOTS of water, and I mean LOTS AND LOTS of water. The doctor said I had dehydration and exhaustion, came as a package with fever and some gastric pains here and there. 

And so I did some research, self-realization yada yada yada and I have finally realised the glorifying importance of drinking water. It was a whole revelation once it hit me that my body is lacking the nutrients water has on its own. I personally hate drinking water but i've been coercing myself to drink it in order to prevent further illnesses from getting to me. I will attempt to sort my life and hectic schedule right to prevent myself from falling ill again, till then xx

setbacks

Came home with a 38 degrees fever due to the hectic commotion of school, work and what nots. I'm trying to squeeze in everything with the meager hours I have. Taking art is one tough feat and I dare say that it is one of the most challenging and time-consuming subjects out there. I have been staying back everyday till 6 and that leaves me with around three hours to fit in the rest of the subjects. Enlighten me, if you may, the possibilities of NOT falling ill with such an arduous schedule. The rigor is just beyond my limits and i'm left to face the consequences of 'my' actions. And as to why I wrote 'my' instead of my, is simply because i'm succumbed to such circumstances and I do not have much of a choice. Sick or not, I still don't have much of a choice. Been rushing out my art even with the fever in me. Wonderful. 

ephemeral

 

 

The ephemeral joys in my present life. But of course, there's many more which aren't reflected here. Ever since I stepped down from dance, my days are revolved solely on art. Alright, maybe that's alittle of an exaggeration but you get the drift. For instance, I was cooped up in the art room till 9pm, it was definitely an arduous 5 hours but packed with loads of fun I would never experience elsewhere excluding the art room. 

Currently on a journey of self exploration and discoveries, unraveling its pieces bit by bit. Till then xx

P.S p.s cafe's Double Chocolate Blackout Cake is silent euphoria in your mouth, period. 

we grow

So I was browsing through my old posts in this barren space and i've been thinking on how much i've grown since last year. I have not been blogging consistently like I used too, I miss that feeling, of just poring everything out to this space. The feeling of just knowing that this space, though its a non living thing, will always cease my misery and all the feelings conjured in me. This post might be a fairly long one, just so you know.

I've been through much disappointment, the feeling of dejection, inferiority, miserable and pathetic, especially during my sec three years. I've never been the top or the best at anything. I'll always get put down one way or another, i'm well accustomed to the feeling of always being a dissapointment, of always being the 'useless' and good for nothing soul.. All that, i've been through it.

But i'm proud of myself for being able to close that heinous chapter of my life and move on as though nothing happened. For those who thought i was good for nothing yada yada yada, i pity you. For always putting people down, what unhappy lifes you live.

i'll try to blog more often :( time is just consuming me too much but all is well, i'm still afloat, above ground xx

Finalè

After 2 and a half years of dance, I have finally stepped down from my cca. It has come to my consensus that I have graduated from dance and I honestly miss it so so so much alr. Firstly, syf on 10th April was a day I will never forget. That 4 1/2 minutes on stage was just marvellous. I felt each and every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday practice, all the sweat, the injuries, the orh chehs.. Everything was just so concentrated on that stage I felt so liberated. I would replay that 4 1/2 minute on stage everyday if I could because I feel so empty without dance. Without dancing. The distinction we got was just honestly a miracle. I'm
Sure we all felt the same way- how we were so unprepared and how we had to change the steps on syf day itself. Fear was definitely looming around backstage and basically just before the whole performance. Ucc stage was miraculous and it did us well/justice.

After afew weeks left with 4 sessions before we stepped down, hahaha it felt so weird. I personally felt that we were just wasting our time hahaha but nevertheless, it was the last few moments with thy juniors and of course, spending time in the dance studio. The dance studio will probably be the place in the entire school I will miss the most. And maybe the third level toilet too, where we deliberately take our own sweet time in order to miss the warm ups occurring in the dance studio, where we changed freely cause I don't know we are just really open people and where we sang hsm songs on our last day, it was hilarious. The dance studio- where we waste our time, where we get punished for the most ridiculous things, where we got so high and crazy esp last night, all the sweat, tears and tons of injuries and ice packs. How can I ever forget all the memories? When I first stepped in to the dance studio 2 and a half years ago till now, the list is never ending. I'll also miss our bus rides to nex or wherever- these little things really made my day.

Lastly, sop IV. I honestly can never ask for anything more, dancing on home ground was magical. I felt so liberated and lifted from everything that has been bringing me down lately. For that last 4 1/2 minutes of dancing, it felt more than amazing. I didn't want it to end, I wanted it to last. Sop was truly splendid, more than what I could ask for. And for the people who came, thank you all so very much for making 26 April such a fulfilling one.
I have finally concluded my journey in pl dance. I am extremely honoured to be part of such an amazing team and leaving it is something I don't want to do. I'm definitely gonna miss dancing with all of you guys doing across the floor, choreo and all that- now that I think about it, sigh 😔 for those who aren't even interested in dance or who gave a bad impression to me, please leave lol cause your presence is not needed. I rather train someone who freaking loves to dance but can barely do a split as compared to someone who hates dance but can at least do a split cause honestly, passion is what gets you there and if you ain't got any passion then don't waste your time yeah? Cause ain't nobody got time for that.

Looking through all my dance collectives-photos, jazz pants, leotards, ballet shoes, foot/floor thongs, makes me miss dance even more haha anyway, you have reached the end of this emotionally draining post. What can I say? I concede to the fact that I'm an emotional wreck. I will miss dance and I can now close this chapter in my life with contentment and fulfilment xx

Lacklustre

Lately I've been feeling extremely exhausted. Unlike the mere five letter word of being tired, I let really feel every bone and muscle in me tearing apart and disintegrating into thin air. All my energy is constantly sucked into the realm of dance. I live dance and I'll definitely miss dance after stepping down. I honestly can't imagine the coming months without dance.. Just thinking about it,e without dance.. I can't fathom the mixed emotions conjuring in my insides. I feel mixed. Syf will be held this Wednesday and it will finally cease the perpetual tiring and exhausting feeling.

My everyday Tuesday, Wednesday an Thursday routines? Dance > school > dance > home at 8 and by the time I descent in my domicile I'm exhausted. Not forgetting Saturday, dance in the morning. Literally, I feel torn, dilapidated and I can feel my body breaking down into pieces. I am so fucking tired to be honest with you but I know I'll miss this feeling, how ironic. Art has been mind draining, mind exhausting, mind repelling my mind feels dead. I can't concoct another five more layouts after 8 of my previous ones got rejected. I honestly feel uninspired and unmotivated. But I would go more with the former. I'm stuck in a rut and I'm in desperate need of help. I honestly feel like pulling out each strand of hair on my head cause I'm beyond tired, I'm beyond stress. I just want to be more humane maybe.

tendencies

I have not been blogging religiously as what I expected to, but i've been rather active on instagram lately. Instagram has completely refashion our lives and is another excuse for me to not blog as much. This conventional platform has certainly entwine itself into our daily tendencies and what nots. This creation is definitely a plus for me and I hope I don't bore anyone with this ubiquitous post. Another few visual snippets of my life, anyone? xx 

興味をそそる

Charmed by the glorious Japanese language. I'm enamored by its cursive and fluviatile lines. I just like it, impressive. 

Just some instagram visuals. Nothing much has been going on this week other than the constant rush in my mind to accomplish what I call my pile of slow and arduous death. And I have yet to conform to my mind's persistent callings, stubborn indeed. I'm well aware of the measly amount of posts but this will have to do till November awaits. Cheerios. 

wary

I thought I was on the right track, I thought I made a change in my daily life but evidently, I did not. Many of times I reiterate'why?' to myself in hopes that my mind could concoct some type of a radical answer for me to justify the fact that somewhere somehow something went absolutely wrong but through the many hours harping on the same notion, all I could come up with was an 'i don't know' which irked me to ends wits. I didn't see the point of trying anymore because I did try but it definitely did not come across the way I expected it to. I cried, I definitely did but somehow, I managed to pick myself up. And I must say, I'm proud at the way I geared myself to look at things in a positive manner but of course deep within me there is a prominent sense of fear, envy and shame. Will I be able to get into the course I want? Why is everyone else doing better than me even when I tried my best? How am I suppose to face the educators, my peers and my classmates who are doing perfectly fine when i'm just... stranded? 

Currently, what i'm most afraid of is if I will ever see an A in the next few coming months. How will I be able to achieve my goal of a single digit for my L1R4.. Am I even capable of such heights? But i'm trying, i'm trying to turn the negative energy to a positive one. I'm trying and though I may not be the best example, we should all just try cause at the end of the day, at least I know I tried.

revival

A revival indeed, cleared the first week of common tests and it has been pretty kind to me so far. I've yet to indulge myself in some biology and amath and i'm not looking forward to it at all. Literature though was horrid, my inner machinery couldn't capture the essence of the question and i hope my legit bullshit made its way out of hell safe enough for me to attain a B. Crossing fingers for a copious week ahead. xx