Six--teen

This was probably one of the best birthday's thus far. I wanna thank everyone who wished me, who bought me something, who encouraged me (because this few weeks have been a tough feat to accomplish) I don't know what I'll do without you guys. Those who encouraged me, who tell me not to give up, thank you so so much. It really meant so much to me and thank you is truly an understatement as to how grateful I am for such amazing people like you guys. As for today, I am genuinely contented w the amazing people I have in my life and thank you all for wishing me :) I hope this verbal diarrhoea would not bore you to bits, so let the pictures do the talking xx 

Èn trapped

I feel a little small talking about this today but I shall because its currently the biggest obstacle in my life. I feel so suffocated. En trapped in this maze where every direction i turn to is a dead end. Where every direction I turn to I lose myself even more. I hate being surrounded by people of a different calibre then me(maybe that's why I can relate to roll of thunder easily). Many of time I try to reach their standards but with that many of times I tried, I failed. 

I feel like I'm trapped in my own self induced coma where I can't find a way to stop all the chaos from occurring. I want to stop it. I want to put a halt to everything that's happening. I want to stop with O levels. I want the people around me to stop being such fked up bitches and start opening your eyes that people are struggling to just come to ends meet. Stop reiterating the fact that I can't do some stuff and stop looking down on the things I do. Stop judging me for being this stupid, stop reminding me I'm taking my o levels in 4 months time and I have nothing, absolutely nothing to offer. Stop telling me that I don't belong cause its pretty much obvious. Stop just please stop. Someone please save me from this torment of seeing everyone around me of a calibre way higher than mine. Please just get me out of this pressure cooker. I don't like all 39 of you put together, I don't like the fact I'm existing within the 39 of you. Aku menghina setiap orang disitu. 

My insides are physically torn confirming to the crazy schedule. Motivation is simply of no use now to be honest.. I know the sense of achievement after would overpower this awful feeling I have now but it's just too overwhelming. I don't do situations like this well. I sometimes (all the time) wish I could adopt some kind of unfeeling power so I won't be able to feel the pressure and everything else and I would just study all the fking time. I honestly don't mind. I just want to cease everything. I'm having such a hard time with Romeo and Juliet. Don't get me wrong, i love the whole story and the play but I can't seem to connect and feel for the book unlike roll of thunder which came to me so naturally. It's so bloody frustrating because that was apparently my one and only niche area which I failed to live up to.  HOW TELL ME HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO DO THIS. 

I'm hysterical. I'm flustered. I'm lost. I'm drowning. Drowning, drowned. 

"It is too rash, too unadvised; too sudden"

revelation part deux

I have not been a purveyor of healthy living, in that sense where I don't eat my meals regularly, sleep regularly, exercise, drink lots of water etc etc etc. Firstly, I detest drinking water. In a week I probably drink a maximum of 5-6 cups of water and i'm not even kidding. I can honestly go without water and rely on bottled/can drinks, and i won't even realise that my body has not even consumed an equitable amount of water to keep my system going. 

I don't eat my meals regularly too. I don't like the idea of having to consume 4 meals per day and maybe i don't realise on how much i've been cutting back but the worst part is, I dont even consume fluids which are essential for survival- and i'm sure we all know what i'm talking about here, yes it is water. 

I kept thinking as to why people around me could keep going although they are as equally stressed as me, equally loaded with work (with the exception of art), why they didn't fall ill easily, how they could continue burning the midnight oil without having all sorts of weird illnesses like me. And then I realised they drink LOTS of water, and I mean LOTS AND LOTS of water. The doctor said I had dehydration and exhaustion, came as a package with fever and some gastric pains here and there. 

And so I did some research, self-realization yada yada yada and I have finally realised the glorifying importance of drinking water. It was a whole revelation once it hit me that my body is lacking the nutrients water has on its own. I personally hate drinking water but i've been coercing myself to drink it in order to prevent further illnesses from getting to me. I will attempt to sort my life and hectic schedule right to prevent myself from falling ill again, till then xx